Islamic Story: Pangs Of Conscience By Khadeejah Ademola

Sitting on my Musalla after observing Salatud-duha, I whispered in tears;Oh Allah, I sacrificed this all for you,and it feels like my heart is ripping off,replace my sacrifice with something greater and grant me peace of mind.

It’s been two months since I broke up with Aamir, after two years of being in a relationship with him. Obviously Haram, since we aren’t married. I had thought that I was doing the right thing and was so full of myself. I met Aamir while I was sixteen and just gained admission into the University.

 I can’t fathom how we got so close till we were almost at the verge of commiting Zina. It was then I realized that I had crossed the line. I guessed Aamir realized too and we had to draw the appropriate barrier, the barrier we had crossed slowly and unknowingly.

My mum had warned me beforehand that the University is a home of fitnah and that I should be cautious of my relationship with guys.I had intended to take to the advice, but, Aamir has his own charms which I couldn’t resist because of my human weakness, an Haafiz with melodious voice, speaks Arabiyyah fluently and righteous in his own way although we all cant be perfect,that’s why we both fell into this. My weakness had overtaken me while I thought I was doing the appropriate thing, I personally requested that Aamir should take a one on one Qur’an class with me,and that was where it all started._

I sensed a touch, I turned to see that it was Bilqees.

“I made the tasleem three times while at the door and you never responded,that’s why I decided to enter”, Bilqees retorted.

“I’m sorry,Bilqees”,I replied calmly,I had even forgotten that you were coming around.

You had definitely forgotten,I see that you were so deep in thought,that’s why you didn’t hear my greetings, said Bilqees.

“Why wouldn’t I be deep in thought”, Bilqees,I said,with a wry smile.

Why wouldn’t I! In the beginning ,it felt like a beautiful thing to have someone who so much cared for you,someone to talk to when everything seems down.Aamir would literally call to wake me for Qiyamul layl,that melted my heart the most.I had thought that that was the real love I was scouting for,not knowing I had taken the wrong procedures in searching for love.I had thought that Aamir cared for my soul not knowing that his soul was sick likewise mine. Bilqees,I remember you warned me of my relationship with Aamir, but I refused and abandoned you.”

“Its okay, Zeenah, Alhamdulillah, you have realized your mistake and it wasn’t too late before you retraced your step”. Bilqees said.

“Yes, I know, Bilqees. But do you also know the pain that break up brings? I said disturbingly.

“ I feel weak, and I’m not sure I will not draw Aamir in a tight embrace the next time I see him.It will take a great deal to control myself when we resume classes and I get to see him almost daily! But I’m sure I’m doing this for Allah and He will see me through it.”

“Yes, you’re doing this for Allah and He will see you through, InshaaAllah.You should already know that Islam is a religion that sets measures, and if those measures are not followed, there would be repercussions.If you had taken to the measures,you wouldn’t have to suffer this heartbreak.Take heart dear, you will get over it very soon,InshaaAllah.”Bilqees said reassuringly

“I now see that I deserve to go through this pain, the truth is that my guilty conscience always had a way of coming at me, some few months into our relationship, I really wanted to retrace my steps,but, I did not want to let go of what I thought was beautiful, Shaytan’s whisperings didn’t make me give it up.”I said.

“You should know that Allah has made the heart in such a way that it detects the slightest foreign disposition. Goodness is Ma’ruf and ma’ruf means something known or accepted, Evil is Munkar, munkar means unknown,an evidence that evil is something unknown and foreign to the body. It is natural that the heart detects the presence of something foreign when it performs a sinful act,just like an Hadith of the prophet SAW, he said, ‘Sin is that which disturbs the heart,and the heart at that time hates that others should catch him red-handed…,” Bilqees said 

“My heart felt that presence of a foreign body but refused to let go of it because of shaytan’s tricks of beautifying it, at first I always hated that people found me around Aamir, but with time, I didn’t care anymore.”I said. 

“You didn’t care again because your heart already got used to that sin and it was only Allah’s love for you that had made you retrace your step.You see that a lot of people do not care about their sins, that is because their guilty conscience is lost. Human was born in a state of innocence,as the Prophet Muhammad SAW said “Every child is born upon fitrah, it is subsequently that his parents makes him Jew, Christian or Magian. If his parents remained Muslim,he would also remain Muslim…till the end of the Hadith. What fitrah means in the Hadith is nature,Islam as the religion of nature is what everyone is born upon, but the environment he finds himself determines whether his nature will remain or not. But even remaining a Muslim doesn’t guarantee that the innocence will remain. Life is a strife for a Muslim as he strives to balance his nature with the occurrences surrounding him. It’s upon every Muslim to strive to maintain the innocence or at most re-birth his innocence before death meets him. Like Allah has also said in the Qur’an that no bearer of burden will carry the burden of another.” Bilqees said.

“You’re very right dear, it’s our utmost duty to guard ourselves and that was where I slipped. I was too weak for the daggers life shot at me and I think I’m a bit stronger now, Alhamdulillah. You know,sometimes,I wish that childhood should remain, that state is free of worry,blemish and unnecessary carnal desires, adulthood is such an onerous task!” I added.

“Yes, Adulthood is very difficult and I would say that it’s almost impossible that anyone retains his innocence till death.It’s human to slip at anytime,and it is by turning to Allah in repentance that enables him to return to or attain his initial innocent state. And also, besides the preventive measures that Islam has obligated,Islam does not neglect the humanness in us.That’s why Islam prescribed marriage for two people who love themselves.If someone satisfies his love for an opposite gender in any other way asides from marriage,he should expect the consequence in this dunya as a form of heartbreak or in the Aakhirah as punishment.I’m happy that the only pain you will feel is that of the dunya.”Bilqees said.

“I’m so happy, I said with a smile and I checked my phone,it’s almost two o’clock,let’s observe our Salah.”

“SubhaanaLlah,The time’s fast spent!” Bilqees exclaimed.

We both stood up to perform ablution and observed our Salah.

After the Salah,Bilqees held my hand and said,”Let’s use the Salah as a case study.When it was the time for Salah, we both felt the obligation to stand of for it and so is Islam. Yet, Islam should be an everyday,every day,every hour,every minute and every second obligation.Worshiping Allah is not limited to the pillars of faith,it should be deeply ingrained in you that even the manner in which you look or speak to any random person should be guarded by the principles of Islam.

Islam is a way of life, and it will not be proper to separate any part of your life from it.” Bilqees said.

“Hmm, Islam is a way of life,that sounds new, but I will hold on to that statement throughout my living, InshaaAllah.”

“You must get going, right?” I asked.

She nodded in affirmation.

“Alright, I will always remember this precious words of yours,I deeply appreciate your visit and I will cherish you forever Ukht, JazaakiLlahu Khayran.”I said

“She stood to go while I hugged her.May Allah be with you Zeenah”.She said.

“And you too, Bilqees”,I replied.

While I watched her disappear into the crowd,I made a vow that I will never allow any blemish to make Islam slip away from me,and I’ll not place anything above my love for Allah.If anything else would bring me and Aamir together again,it would be marriage, if Allah wills.

Besides, the manner in which Bilqees quoted verses of the Qur’an and Hadiths offhand amazed me.While I was swimming in my sins,Bilqees had took her time to study the religion.Its not too late and and I’m willing to dedicate my time also to learn about my religion, In shaa Allah.

“Say, indeed, my prayer,my rites of sacrifice,my living and my dying are for Allah,Lord of the worlds.”

Reading this verse brings back that memory of a six years ago happening,I sense Aamir’s gaze and I’m sure he seems to not understand why I’m beaming all alone{In a way,Allah decided that we were brought back together in the Halal way}.